Reality Check

I am working on my resolutions list for 2010 and have even contemplated posting them here this year. That kinda freaks me out a little bit because I tend to hold things close to my chest, as they say. We'll see if I get up the nerve. This here is a list, not of resolutions, but a list of "10 Truths" that the author wish she discovered sooner in life. It appeared in Real Simple and I am not sure how I stumbled on to it, but since its that time of year for reflection, on the year that has passed and the year to come, I thought it was a good time to share.

The of Eve of 10

Goodbye 2009. I can't say I am sorry to see you go. I bid you a bittersweet but enthusiastic farewell. This year I grew closer to some and further from others. I fell more and more in love with my daughter and husband but had to say goodbye to one of the most important people in my life. 2010, I beg of you, please be gentle.

I am looking forward to ringing in the New Year with my dear family. As is our custom, we are preparing a grand feast - Hush Puppies with Pepper Jam, Savory Lobster Bread Pudding and "Drumstick" ice cream sundaes. I told Anita about the ice cream this morning and she hasn't stopped talking about it since. The girl loves her some frozen dairy sweetness. And as we feast we will be re-visiting one of our favorite shows of all time - Deadwood! I can't wait.

I hope you have a wonderful and safe New Year's and that 2010 is the best year ever, for us all!

blue moon

For the second time in my lifetime we will have a Blue Moon on New Year's Eve according to NASA. In this sense, NASA is using Blue Moon as a reference to the occasion of a fourth moon in one season (usually there are only three). A blue or extra moon occurs every 2 or 3 years. A blue moon on New Year's Eve comes along about every twenty years. I'm not sure that even this rare occurrence will urge me out the door tonight.

I don't need to tell you that 2009 has been a difficult year. After January, I thought I didn't want the year to end. How scary was the thought of forgetting. And back then it seemed that the end of 2009 was symbolically the moment when I couldn't help but to forget. I tried very hard to cling to my memories. I spent nights lying in bed trying to remember every detail of the person who had been my hero for 29 years of my life. Oh lord, oh lord, oh lord. If that was all that happened perhaps I would have spent the remainder of 2009 trying to remember. But life turns on a dime and the trials and tribulations of the next few months left me wanting to forget, needing it. Now, at the end of the year, I am able to look back and reflect. The brief high points look lonely standing next to the myriad of lows. I am not scared of forgetting anymore. I know I'll remember what I need to remember and forget all that I want to forget.
I haven't the highest of hopes for 2010, but it can't get much worse. Can it? So, I stumble towards the locker room rather than taking the victory laps I thought I had coming to me. While I do feel that I am a stronger person for having lived through it all, I still can't help but look back with spite.
Good-bye 2009. Until the day I die, I will curse your name.

something like a war

Welcome back. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. I received many wonderful gifts and spent time with my family and friends, though it wasn't easy. We have only to make it through a few more days before we can kiss 2009 good-bye. I will post more about this later, but I never would have thought that I would be happy to see this year come to an end.
I hope the holidays found you warm and safe and pleasant. Keep up the good work.

Merry Christmas

We will be closed from now through Sunday December 27, 2009. Please have yourselves a wonderful Christmas and Happy Holidays.

Thank you for your readership.

CLK and budger

wil or nill

A man seeks his own destiny and no other, said the judge. Wil or nill. Any man who could discover his own fate and elect therefore some opposite course could only come at last to that selfsame reckoning at the same appointed time, for each man's destiny is as large as the world he inhabits and contains within it all opposites as well. The desert upon which so many have been broken is vast and calls for largeness of heart but it is also ultimately empty. It is hard, it is barren. Its very nature is stone.

- The Judge
from Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy.

Whoa nellie. This is one that I have struggled with for a long time. Fate vs. free will: a recurring theme in McCarthy's books, as well as East of Eden and my conversations with friends. I had one such conversation yesterday with good friend to this blog ExP (that's esquire to you!). I could not help but sit up last night, thinking about what we had discussed. But I have overthought the concept, my brain is fried and I am of no further use to the discussion today except for one comment. When the storm has chased us into the back of the closet we pray for a turn to fortune (fate). When we are high on our own achievements we walk alone (freewill). Maybe we all inside of us have the need to believe both, and just maybe it doesn't matter which is true. We are in control until we are out of control and so we should learn to operate under both scenarios. High or low, I guess we'll always be learning.
For more perspective, read East of Eden (warning this link contains text from the book).

Also, I am a big fan of Ken Arneson, the creator of the now defunct Baseball Toaster blog. Do yourself a favor some time and go back and read the last post on the old Baseball Toaster entitled And So to Fade Away. It's a sweeping post that reflects on his Swedish heritage, his life as a baseball fan, the great forum he created for talking baseball, it's collapse and his own reflections on moving on. It is a great piece of internet writing. Well, Jon Weisman (former Baseball Toaster writer) of the LA Times has a link today to Ken's new blog, and from the sounds of it it will be a doozy as it does not limit Ken to just baseball. "How do you choose a philosophy?" Are you kidding me? Let's follow along together.

The Pogues are popping up quite a bit on this here blog. It's beginning to feel like 1997 around here.

As previously mentioned by my co-author, Christmas and The Pogues just seem to go together. It's as it is, was and ever shall be, world without end, Amen.

One of my favorite memories is Christmas shopping circa 1997, with my 12 years younger, 7 year old brother when Fairytale in New York came on the car radio. He was so excited and astounded that they were actually playing The Pogues on the radio. We were all such big Pogues fans but I guess he thought they were just our little secret. I don't think many of the kids on the playground knew who Shane was when he would talk about going to visit him in Ireland (as he used to fantasize about.) I couldn't help but share in his excitement so we turned the radio up as loud as we could and rolled down the windows and sang our hearts out. To this day, when I hear the song I always turn it up louder than necessary and that feeling of excitement for Christmas and for The Pogues and for my little brother, returns.

In Europe, during the holidays, the song continues to chart year after year; allowing Christmas memories, serenaded by Shane and Kirsty, to continue. As it is, was and ever shall be, world without end, Amen.

Merry Christmas! Turn up the music, open the presents and save room for pie and cookies!

new top ten

Recent Playlist:

Wrecking Ball - Gillian Welch
The Parting Glass - The Pogues
Something on Your Mind - Karen Dalton
Jangle Town - Nikki Sudden & the Jacobites
Back on the Street Again - Lee Hazelwood
Democracy - Leonard Cohen
I Love You - Asie Payton
Bad Girl (Part #1) - Lee Moses
Gassenhauer - Carl Orff
Both Sides Now - Mystic Moods Orchestra

One of those songs will most likely be played at my wedding.

inbetweeens

Last weekend: got shocked twice while putting up lights for Grandma A and then ate at Lupe's again. Grandma A will only eat at maybe two or three places so we know where my dad gets that annoying habit.
If you think really hard can you tell the difference between the marginally good minutes and the marginally bad ones? I mean you waste time sitting in traffic or else you spend time sitting on the phone looking forward to the moment when somebody will answer. In this example, we feel boredom and anticipation. We know which we'd prefer but how can we quantify the difference? If we could take the Pepsi challenge but with marginal moments could we even taste the difference? I spent quite a while waiting for somebody to take my order at Lupe's and yet I wasn't the least bit upset. But the hours it took me to put up the lights this year, only to watch some of the strands go out once I'd finished, seemed excruciating. You would think the emotions would have been the opposite. It certainly wasn't the task, as I relish the time spent working outside with my hands. I spent the afternoon disappointed in myself for worrying about things that I can't control. You could say that I was worried about worrying. But in the end, I did not pass the time in a way that was much if at all different from the time I spent at Lupe's.
So what's the deal? The obvious answer is that the difference between these two moments is frame of mind. Yes, this certainly is the first answer that came to my mind and it's the real point that I am getting at. We all know that our lives are made better by the great and beautiful moments; we remember and are effected by the most difficult times. But the marginal moments in life change us too, if only in small ways. I know I shouldn't be effected by either the bad service or the fact that I am a nutcase about certain things. Yet, it is easier for me to handle one of those situations than the other. I plan to improve on this. So lets make a pact. Let's try to take the moments for what they are and allocate the appropriate amount of thought and energy. Ok? As for me and the foibles that cause my undue concern, I look to adapt. There are certain facets of my personality that I cannot change, but I can learn to accept them and to learn to work around them. If only I was so worldly as to never feel hurt, then I would never worry. But, I take heart in the fact that although life is sometimes very difficult, I am better prepared than most to deal with it's highs and lows. Let's just try to limit the lows and not sweat the small stuff. And, yes, that even means ignoring my dad's penchant for eating at the same restaurant all the time.

historical pine trees

Doug fir's and Noble fir's of a political persuasion.

Hat tip to This Recording.