i think it's time to go home

After being regaled with the tale of my defense of the People Mover, my mother rolled her eyes and my father placed his hand upon my shoulder, leaned in and said "Son, you told us all many times that the People Mover was your favorite ride. And let me tell you, it was no fun to go on 30 times a day. We were patient." So, faced with the testimony of my closest family, I retract my claim that it was not my favorite. It was my favorite. I do have selective memory. And although I would like to reiterate my stance that I was just a kid and it was just an amusement park ride and therefore not the torture that my family makes it out to be, I cannot. You see, CLK also told a story the other day of a particular trip to Disneyland. It was after dark, getting a bit late, and it was my turn to pick a ride. You can guess which ride I picked. According to her version of the story, she along with my parents groaned at the prospect of riding the dreaded People Mover again, but reluctantly agreed after it was pointed out to them that it was my turn to pick a ride for better or worse. You can't say I had bad intentions, eager as I was to see the Storm Trooper and to race alongside my buddies from TRON. It just so happens that the rest of the ride wasn't altogether exciting. So it goes that after the initial excitement to go on the ride, we began to fade into a People Mover induced lethargy. My dad then, using our exhausted state as an excuse, suggested we go home. CLK turned her devilish eyes on me, uttered words not fit for a naval base and the Happiest Place on Earth was happy for me no more.

Now, I don't actually remember the event so this is just an interpretation of CLK's tale. It is a bit funny and I can definitely see how that night would have been very frustrating for somebody who didn't like the ride, no matter how patient they were. I'll go a step further and say that the story frustrates me, all these years later, to think of that overused sleepiness gambit to get us to go home. Now, before you defend my parents, I can imagine that it's hard to drag kids out of Disneyland and it just was the most opportune time for them to do it. But, it's damned frustrating to a kid and this certainly was not the only time they used this excuse; we were very upset when we discovered their tactics. You see, many a trip to Disneyland ended after a visit to the universally dreaded America Sings. It was nearly 20 minutes long and consisted of sitting in a theater watching animals sing. That's it folks. To a child, sitting still for 20 minutes after 10 o'clock is akin to Superman putting on underwear made of kryptonite. Even after we figured out our parent's ruse we couldn't help but fall asleep, as if the rotating theater were gently rocking us to sleep as the animatronic animals sang us patriotic lullabies. Today when I go on Splash Mountain, with its recycled animatronic robots from America Sings, I still get sleepy. It's Disney's example of Pavlovian conditioning. Somebody should write a study on this effect for a journal.



I think I'm going to have a seizure just looking at that eagle. At least on the People Mover, the wind in your face and the enjoyable modern music helped keep you awake. Ok, not really. I really have no excuse for the People Mover except that I liked it as a child. The same could not be said of America Sings. While both CLK and I would agree that nearly every ride at Disneyland offered some appeal to us, America Sings stood out as the lone attraction for which we harbored a deep resentment. To go on America Sings was to go to sleep. To go to sleep was to go home.

And so it happened that we began to revolt against the very idea of going on America Sings. If only we were organized. We could have locked arms around the statue of Walt in protest. We might have enlisted the help of others to stand with us against the parental atrocities being perpetrated upon us; the innocents in a modern crime of neglect and abuse. The local news would have been called. In our television debut, we would have been downright electric. Two sniffling kids without a souvenir to be found on their person, clutching the copper leg of the statue of a man who fought for the rights of all kids to be happy. Who could deny our plee? Hal Fishman, no doubt, would have portrayed us in a flattering light as would the other LA newsmongers. Our lives may have been forever changed! Instead of blogging today about the trivialities of our lives, we would be the faces of children's rights at Disney theme parks. Our blog would be devoted to the dividing issues that bifurcate families and pit the adults against their children while visiting the Happiest Place On Earth. Can't you see it? The issue is a cash cow mouse. And for my part I would focus on the singular issue that every child faces nearly every day at Disneyland. The right to choose ones own ride. Our rallying cry must be simple yet catchy. Something symbolic of our struggles and representative of the earthly choices that God has bestowed upon us. A grass-roots slogan that even the most cynical of observers can embrace. It's not too late for change to happen.

"Viva los Children! Remember the PeopleMover!"
Please sign the petition.

in defense of . . . the people mover

Our trip is set, our plans are made. On March 11th, my entire extended family will accompany a soon-to-be two year old Anita O to the Happiest Place on Earth. That is just four weeks away. So I hope this will be the first in a series of posts focused on the HPOE. See my last post about Disneyland. The trip was delayed from September until March.

As a kid, I was a Disneyland junkie. I obsessed over the upcoming trips, planned out our routes, looked at photos of past trips and just all around talked about Disneyland a LOT. When a Disneyland trip was announced I had to pull out the old photos and souvenirs, including my collection of ticket stubs and pressed pennies to look at. We had a TV tray that featured a picture of the whole Disney cast of characters posed in front of Sleeping Beauty's castle. Once a trip was announced, I tried to use that TV tray at every possible meal. I watched or begged my dad to record the Wonderful World of Disney. I'd re-watch Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier, though that was hardly out of the ordinary as I watched that a lot. And if CLK deigned to allow me, I would look through her awesome book of Disney autographs. It was a magical book filled with the messy scripts of Winnie the Pooh, Minnie and Mickey (remember it's kind of hard to write in those big costumes) alongside the much more legible signatures of Snow White, Cinderella and Peter Pan (more on that story some other time).

As I alluded to before, I saved souvenirs, tickets and maps from our trips. Far before the subsequent trip was planned, I would pull out the map to study and plan out the most efficient way to see all of the attractions. The golden goal was to go to every attraction in the entire park (as listed on the map) in one day. And before CLK chimes in, I will admit the futility of such planning. You see, it wasn't possible to go to every attraction in the park because I was too damned scared to go on the damned fast rides until I was eight damned years old (1988). That was the year dear old mom got sick of sitting and waiting with me while CLK and my dad went on the likes of the Matterhorn, Space Mountain and Thunder Mountain Railroad without us. She paid me a dollar to go on Space Mountain that year. I was terrified the entire time we were in line. And once on the ride I sat cross-armed trying to act as if I was unafraid. Afterwards, I bragged of my accomplishment, and although the expansion of my horizons was soon to follow, on that day when my parents asked if I would like to go again or on the other fast rides I meekly declined.

Instead, we likely went on what CLK refers to as my favorite ride. I don't know if I am just conveniently blocking the memory, but I don't remember ever calling the People Mover my favorite ride, but I'll admit it was up there. For a spaced obsessed kid like myself, it was the closest thing to a Tron or Star Wars ride (no Star Tours at the time) and that sums up the whole appeal for me. Yes, I am aware now that Mission to Mars may have been a better choice for the galactically minded but my parents hated that attraction and so I never ever went on it. CLK lamented that the People Mover was so slow and boring and that I wanted to go on it so many times. Cut me some slack I was a kid. And hey, doesn't that still kind of describe my personality? I tend to like things that others don't and things that are boyish but not overwhelmingly manly. And when I like something, I still enjoy it repeatedly. Plus, the People Mover seemed very vintage Disney to me. I liked some of the oldest attractions the best. The Swiss Family Tree house, The Haunted Mansion, Tom Sawyer's Island, Country Bear Jamboree, The Train Ride (for the dinosaurs) and Pirates of the Caribbean, though yes I was scared of the drops on PotC. Even then I knew that I usually liked older things better than their newer counterparts.

And though the People Mover is no longer, I am still looking forward to our mid-March sojourn. It's been nearly 10 years since my last Disneyland trip and probably close to 15 since I attended the HPOE with my parents. Now that I am older I can impress my parents by going on all of the fast rides, by myself even. I'm sure to enjoy the old favorites and look towards the new additions with a wary eye. But the best part will just be the opportunity to be around Anita as she enjoys it for her first time. I can't wait to see her face as she leads her mom and dad down Main Street. I'm laying bets that she is excited to see Mickey rather than terrified as some children are. I am giddy over the prospect of going on Dumbo with her and watching her learn the controls (Yes I will let her). And I'm looking forward to helping her overcome her fears and even helping her to find her own People Mover. If she chooses a ride that I can't stand, I'll try to be patient. After all, we've all been there. We'd all be lucky to find that happiness again.