looking for a way back

I've commented recently about my lack of motivation for blogging. Well, to be honest that dearth of motivation applies across the board. For all my big talk I just can't find the hope, the optimism, the "wide-eyed enthusiasm," as CLK might call it. I wondered if it was lost, never to be found. I wondered if I should continue blogging if I had nothing to say.

A few days ago I read a blog post by Josh Wilker over at Carboard Gods. His post was like a game of catch with my dad on a warm Sunday afternoon. Don't be intimidated by the initial baseball subtext. You'll soon find some familiar names and places, especially for some of you former hell-raisers. I was inspired but still without motivation. Then, while reading his blog, as I do nearly everyday, I decided to check out his older posts and found one on the recently deceased Willie Davis (RIP). His characterization of Willie's smile was some much needed sunshine through the fog of my brain. Josh Wilker certainly "gets it" as he describes his own journey towards finding what's not lost. After reading these posts, slowly but surely I began looking for more things to get excited about.

I haven't found it yet, but I did find another momentary break from the fog. On Saturday afternoon, my brother and I, itching for some outdoor activities went to the park to play baseball. In the past we would pitch to each other for about ten minutes and then spend at least ten minutes looking for those precious baseballs. The rain made the weeds thicker and higher than usual so after losing two of our first three hits, I had an idea. From then on we turned the other way, away from the open field and toward the canyon. Instead of baseball we used golf balls and instead of screaming line drives we hit towering home runs that seemed to travel several astronomical units only to land softly among the mustard and the sage. It certainly isn't the most environmental activity to loft balls into a canyon. It was child-like and immature and very nostalgic. We cheered each other on as we cranked ball after ball into oblivion. We stood slack-jawed, watching until they disappeared. When we returned home for dinner my mom commented that we were acting like two kids who'd just had a ton of sugar. Then we went to dinner and had a ton of sugar.

Just as kids do after they've had too much sugar, I seemed to crash. The excitement could not be sustained. The energy could not be sustained. And although in recent weeks I had patted myself on the back for my mind-over-matter approach to some very difficult tasks and situations, I just haven't rebounded from some of those situations. But I'm trying guys. Today for the first time in a while I had an idea for a future post, as opposed to sitting down and forcing myself to dig something up. I'll start it tonight and hope it turns out well. I'm optimistic that it'll re-spark my interest in blogging here. I'm enthusiastic at the prospect of re-discovering my energy. Gosh, I hope it turns out well.

In the meantime, check out more of Josh Wilker's blog at Cardboard Gods. I can only dream of writing as well as he does. His writing has often been an inspiration for me to write here. He also has a new book coming out for which I am immensely excited. With such endorsements as Bill Lee, Wally Lamb and David Cross ("I should note, though, that Canadians will like it too. But probably not Mexicans”) it has to be good. It is available for pre-order now through Amazon. Buy it for yourself or your closest baseball-loving loved one.



*****
Happy Birthday Anita-bird. You are my favorite.